Landlord SS17

landlord new york ss 17
text humi difier illustrations charlie visconage

Sketch 2

milk crate

i brought you a box of sweet cakes but i am very worried that this is not ok! there are some reasons why i think this might not be ok to bring you sweet cakes.

here are the reasons:

if you already ate many sweet cakes today, then this is not ok, because you could be bored of them already.

also, if you have an allergy of sweet cakes, then this is not ok.

also, if sweet cakes give you bad dreams, then it’s not ok.

i am prepared to help you in case it’s not ok.

if you cry, i have a very long tissue for you to dry your eyes and blow your nose. it is many feet long, if you cry for a lot of minutes.

if you shout, i have a quiet hat, which i could take off and let you shout into it, if you want.
as a last resort, my shirt, it is similar to a tablecloth, which is similar to a stretcher, which can bring you to healing places, like a tropical island, or a bath tub. i will borrow it to you.


this specialty fragrance will remind everyone one that traffic cones are nothing to sneeze at. you better not mess with these traffic cones, which will totally show you what’s what if you mess with them! once every person smells this fragrance then they will never be rude to a traffic cone again. nobody hits them or kicks them over! cars keep their distance so nervously!

traffic cone feels strong and beautiful. she radiates deep orange confidence. she knows she is untouchable on the asphalt. this gives her reassurance that she is great, that she can do anything she believes in. traffic cone acknowledges her imperfections fearlessly. she has learned to love herself again.

Sketch 3


how to behave around bats if you are not a bat technician

  1. don’t pout
  2. stand completely still
  3. make an obstacle course with tiny rings, so the bats can echolocate sound waves through the rings
  4. offer the bats peach gummies while apologizing

half gallon orange juice

luggage strap is touching something all the time. she often touches cardboard, but sometimes  she touches suitcase. when this happens it’s a touch and also a big constricting hug – not like a bear, but like a huge tongue in the jungle – that color.

well when luggage strap has to stop touching suitcase, she releases her tongue hug, but she has to think a long time about it before she does. finally, after thoughtful deliberation, her muscles loosen, and she decides it’s ok to relax and let go now. luggage strap often worries that the suitcase will feel unloved and lonely if she does not give the best possible tongue hug. even though she always does, luggage strap never thinks it’s enough.


rug chunks don’t usually smell bad, and they are cleaned with relative ease at most stages of decomposition. when fresh, and slightly wet, it may be better to clean, as some of the moisture left from the rug chunks have yet to settle in the rug fibers and dry. while not crucial, it’s best to deprive rug chunks the opportunity of drying themselves off on your fine floor coverings.

when drying, though, it is fortunate that rug chunks do not rot or become excessively pungent. mostly they dry into crumbly rocks, and are quite easily removed from the rug. when rug chunks dry, the most effective cleaning strategy is to wet the affected area with a good disinfectant, one with a pleasant smell. dab with a cloth or paper towel repeatedly in order to allow the maximum amount of disinfectant to reach the affected fibers below. then, use an absorbent material like a cloth or a paper towel to absorb the remaining moisture by again dabbing the affected area.

once you have collected the rug chunks, they may be steeped for bitter teas or fashioned into attractive earrings.



first i would take this (boy) to an agreeably sized pond, as close to circular as possible. out of my pocket i would take out a large paper bag, balled up, and reveal to him that it is crammed to bursting with blueberries. suddenly, before he realizes what’s happening, a gang of very polite raccoons has descended upon us, eager to share the blueberries.
excited now, the (boy) would help me to instruct the raccoons to form a circle around the pond’s edge, until its entire circumference is bedazzled with hungry and well behaved raccoons. then, i would give half the blueberries to the (boy), and we would distribute each raccoon a single blueberry, one by one. because raccoons are exceptionally cleanly creatures, they will all dip their blueberries in the pond, giving them a gentle but thorough wash, before eating.

egg cream

this never would have happened if as a child he was given a potato peeler.

this never would have happened if he had been taught to peel his bread.

he would have learned the values of peeling breads.

he would have learned the feeling of flour on hands, under finger nails.

there are many uses for peeled breads, but he never learned them.

he never learned that the bread skins were good, sturdy handbags.

he never learned that the soft insides were heavy clouds.

if only someone taught him better about those breads.